George's Valedictory Letter

So this is a blog post about a blog post about an open letter to the American people.

Let's start at the chronological beginning of that sentence which is at the grammatical end.

The open letter in question was published some 221 years ago in what turned out to be America's first successful daily newspaper, Philadelphia's American Daily Advertiser.  It was quickly picked up by other newspapers across the nascent country and was also turned into a pamphlet for even wider distribution.

The primary author of the letter had help.  His first unsigned co-author was the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison.  The letter was set aside when circumstances changed and it was temporarily not applicable.  Then, four years later, Alexander Hamilton helped the primary author update and finish the letter.  The author was George Washington.  The first version was set aside when, at the end of his first term, Washington changed his previously made up mind and decided to run for a second term.  The updated version of the letter came about when Washington decided that twice was enough and he wanted nothing more than to retire to Mt. Vernon.  The letter was originally published with the title, "The Address of General Washington To The People of The United States on his declining of the Presidency of the United States."  It was later renamed and we still know it today by that name: Washington's Farewell Address.

James Madison, Father of the Constitution, Father of the Bill of Rights, but not of any actual children

Lin-Manuel Miranda, as portrayed by Alexander Hamilton

George Washington, 1st US President, Infamous slaughterer of cherry trees

Pretty much everyone's heard of the Address, and some have heard of one of the more famous passages, an admonition against permanent foreign alliances (if you heard it as entangling alliances, as I did, well, that's actually from Thomas Jefferson's first inaugural address, five years after Washington's missive of departure).  But I'd wager that few have read it, and I'd be willing to wager a lot that even fairly fanatic history buffs such as myself have not read the whole thing.

Why am I so sure?  Because Washington's Farewell Address to the nation he helped create and get up and running is 6,144 words of what is to modern ears dense, highly-convoluted prose.  Unless you're experienced with 19th century writing and really determined to read it, it is at times nearly impenetrable.  There's a single sentence near the end - one that's not a run-on or compound sentence - that has 58 words, broken up with 11 commas.  That sentence is actually one of the easy ones to read.

I bring this up because of a blog post about Washington's Farewell Address that I just came across.  It was written 10 years ago by Randall Munroe, author of the nerdy/geeky webcomic, xkcd.com.  In this post, Munroe took the time (probably quite a bit of it) to translate the Address into common, current language. 

The results of Munroe's efforts are remarkable.  The Address becomes understandable to speakers of 21st century English. As an example, here are the first two paragraphs of the Address, as written by George (and Company):

The period for a new election of a citizen, to administer the executive government of the United States, being not far distant, and the time actually arrived, when your thoughts must be employed designating the person, who is to be clothed with that important trust, it appears to me proper, especially as it may conduce to a more distinct expression of the public voice, that I should now apprize you of the resolution I have formed, to decline being considered among the number of those out of whom a choice is to be made.

I beg you at the same time to do me the justice to be assured that this resolution has not been taken without a strict regard to all the considerations appertaining to the relation which binds a dutiful citizen to his country; and that in withdrawing the tender of service, which silence in my situation might imply, I am influenced by no diminution of zeal for your future interest, no deficiency of grateful respect for your past kindness, but am supported by a full conviction that the step is compatible with both.

Like I said, dense and convoluted writing style.  But the ideas being conveyed aren't so difficult. Here is Munroe's translation:

Elections are coming up, and it’s time to figure out who we wanna give the keys to.  I figure it might clear things up if I take a sec to explain why I’m not running.

Now, I care about the future, don’t get me wrong, and thanks for your trust so far.  I just think me quitting is a good idea on all counts.

I’ve been president twice now, and I didn’t want to do it either time.  I tried to quit the first time, but the country was in trouble and every single person around me begged me to stay on.

I’m glad to say we’re pretty much in the clear now and I can get out of here without getting screamed at or letting things fall apart completely.

-->

My favorite part, though, is the salutation.  Washington opened with, "Friends and fellow-citizens" which Munroe rendered as, "Sup."

What makes Munroe's translation a must-read, however, is not his entertaining treatment of the work, his breezy style, and the roughly 45% reduction in word count to 2,270.  No, what makes this a must-read is Washington's prescience and how applicable the Farewell Address still is, well over two centuries into the future.

About the only thing Washington didn't foresee was the nullification of his strong and rational reasoning behind the advice against permanent foreign alliances.  Washington (as well as many Presidents after him) were worried that those alliances with major powers like Britain, France, Spain and the Netherlands would lead to perpetual servitude of the little, mostly powerless United States.  He couldn't foresee the US becoming the most militarily and economically powerful and culturally dominating country ever. 

There are many other ideas that George did get right and still apply.  I won't list them here because Munroe's translation is so good that I can't do it justice paraphrasing it.  So go to the xkcd blog and read it for yourself: https://blog.xkcd.com/2007/01/29/washingtons-farewell-address-translated-into-the-vernacular/

And if you want to see the original, it can be found at 
https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Washington%27s_Farewell_Address 

This is Why You Don't Have a Job

I was poring over a pile of applications for a data manager job we had open a few years ago and started sending random e-mails to my section about some of the amusing things I was seeing in them (de-identified, of course). Liz, a 20-something member of my team, appeared in my office doorway, laughing, and said, “You need to put these in a book and call it ‘This is Why You Don’t Have a Job.’”

I haven’t accumulated enough observations to write a book, but I can get a blog post out of them.

I want to start out with a few words about typographical errors. The very first time I looked at a batch of applications I was amazed at how glaring the typos were, even though I wasn’t looking for them. It was as if they leapt off the page and poked me in the eye. The lethality of typos for your job prospects cannot be overstated, especially when the job has any technical components.

My section manages several statewide data systems and performs analysis on the data received. If you cannot take the time to proofread your application to find and correct a typo, I cannot trust that you will double check your database query to make sure you didn’t put in > when you meant <, especially when there is time pressure and we have to get it right the first time. There are plenty of other qualified applicants out there so if there’s a typo in your application, I’m not giving you an interview.

Related to typos, THE USE OF CAPS LOCK IS HIGHLY DISCOURAGED BY THIS AUTHOR. Similarly, using no caps is also frowned upon, especially when typing your name and address, such as applicant john q. public who lived on scioto-darby road in hilliard, ohio.

That being said, here are some of my applicant observations:

• This is a copy-and-paste from an applicant’s description of their job duties: “Identification of billing inaccuaracies and correcting such problems.” Reread that one if you have to.
• Address of current employer: “30 eat Broad St.” (Yum!)
• Job Duties: “Preformed wound care according to doctor’s orders.”
• Position Title: “part of a team assisting”
• Objective: “To get a job with benefits.” That certainly is honest…
• Please don’t use words you don’t really understand. The phrase regarding desired pay is “commensurate with my degree” not “commiserate with my degree.”
• Pro tip: If your application contains the phrase “See resume” it’s best to attach a resume. It reflects an eye for detail.
• Objective: “To become an indispensable part of an organization that inspires their employees to challenge themselves and make a difference within the company and society.” You do realize that you’re applying for a bureaucrat job, right? The only time we use the word inspire is when we need a synonym for inhale.
• Objective: “Wish to pursue career in investigative field.” Well, since you’re applying for a data manager position, I’m just going to wish you the best of luck in your pursuit.
• Objective: “To use my knowledge in public relations, human resources, investigations, law enforcement, and out of this knowledge to use in the position I am hired for.” Boy, he had me hooked for a while there, but then he ended the sentence with a preposition.
• Objective: “To make the department/company/organization, etc… better for being there.” Good luck in your job/career/employment, etc… search.
• Work experience: “Employer - Big City Schools, 8/2004 to 8/2011; Duties - A; Reason for leaving - Uncertainty in position. Budget cuts resulted in reduction of hours. Need full time position.” The applicant was unemployed at the time, which is curious considering how many companies are scrambling to find people with experience in performing A.
• An applicant states she attended a university from 1976 through 2007. She did get a degree. She didn’t get an interview but did make my first cut, mainly because I was curious to learn more about a person who takes 124 quarters to get a BA.
• An applicant states he currently works at the Buddhist Center in a different city but that we may not contact that employer. That got me thinking, just how hard do you have to work to piss off Buddhists so much that they’ll say bad things about you?
• Applicant states she attended Ohio State from 2001 through 2003 majoring in Undecided, then went to University of Cincinnati from 2003 to 2004 to continue her studies in Undecided, and has attended Columbus State from 2001 to present (that's a 2 year overlap of learning in both Columbus and Cincinnati), going for her AD in business management and graphic design. Current employer? Department of Education.  If that’s her idea of work-life balance, for her own sake, I don’t think she should work at Public Safety.
• Summary of qualifications: “I am keeper of office supplies.” Is this an admission of kleptomania, or do I need a +2 sword to slay her and get the sacred Cartridge of Toner?
• “I have the strong ability to complete routine forms.” Well, alright, I think we have our new data manager!

After hiring the new data manager, we had other, more technically specialized positions open, namely epidemiologists and statisticians. Here are some more from those rounds of applicants...

• If you have three typos in the name of two of your schools, you might want a refund.
• If you’ve got so much jargon in your application and resume that I have to run it through Google Translate to figure out what you’re going on about, you’re not getting an interview.
• Objective: “My career objective is to find a long term career with a dynamic company…” No, no, no! This is bureaucracy. It’s the opposite of dynamic.
• One applicant left the US Postal Service as a letter carrier “looking for a more challenging and mutually rewarding professional career.” Current job? Supervising bartender.
• “My objective is to obtain employment in Business Administration, Labor Relations and Human Resources, which is my major field of education.” Glad he made that clear. I was about to sidetrack his career aspirations with a job as a biostatistician.
• It’s reassuring to see so many people applying who are “self-starters.” I’m getting tired of having to hand-crank my employees every morning. Seriously, though, stop using that term; it doesn’t work the way you think it will.
• Employee of Head Start has the objective, ”To secure a position to aid children and families in identifying and connecting services that assist in the betterment of the community, families and the individual.” No, dear, that’s where you work now. Why are you applying here?
• Objective: “Secure a rewarding position to help me the organizational goals.” Applicant also had two typos in name of one educational institution.
• Applicant submitted his college transcript. He earned 2/3 credit for “Beginning Tennis.”
• Another applicant submitted the college transcript for his law degree. He failed Employment Discrimination, got a D in Constitutional Law but earned an A in Money Laundering.
• Objective: “To utilize my skill set, experiences, and education to impact the lives of young adults and those who facilitate with the habilitation and rehabilitation.” I’m not sure what to say, I just thought this was an interesting sentence.
• “I have obtain a college degree in the area of communication, and while in college I also took classes that is related to the opening position.” That am good and I are impressed. (I swear I did not make this one up.)
• We lucked out and found THE. Perfect. Candidate. She did a cut-n-paste into the application of our position description’s minimum qualifications in its entirety. This includes the “–OR– “ where it says the candidate "Must have X –OR– Must have Y –OR– Must have Z.
• A phrase I never expected to read anywhere, least of all in an application: Drosophila husbandry.
• Objective: “to get into a Master’s or Ph.D. program of psychology or criminology, by which a state job or internship could help me achieve.” Call me old-fashioned and stodgy, but I prefer the traditional route of using education to get a job, not vice versa. And given the grammar of that sentence, that education may be doubly helpful.
• Brevity is admirable, except in job applications, where you're supposed to talk yourself up. Entire summary of qualifications: “College graduate.”

The morals of this story include:

• Proofread.
• Have somebody else critically review your application.
• Proofread.
• Make sure your objective is at least somewhat related to the job for which you are applying.
• Proofread, proofread, PROOFREAD!

I will end with my personal favorite:

• Objective: “I have no objective and will give this job 100%.”